Happy Mental Health
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.."
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
*****
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN AN IRISH FAMILY
1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral
home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who
is a nun or uncle who's a priest..
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or
killing someone...
7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a
mortal sin.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
(12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
(13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen ... and there is at least one member of your family with the full
name of Mary Catherine Eileen .
15) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.
16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start
talking.
18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are... but what you lack
in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last
keg party.
20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph
or Mac then you know Sully . Then you probably know McMurphy.
22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget every thing but the
grudges!
24) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
25) All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of driver's license,
loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth
from a punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.
26) Your skin's ability to tan.... not so much.
27) You met your husband/wife/significant
other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. in a bar/pub.
28) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of
whiskey.
29) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at
least 45 minutes.
30) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not
speaking to each other. Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to
each other.
*****
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are statements people actually made in court, word for word, taken down and now published by disciplined court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
____________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't re member which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy start ed around 8:30 p.m.
Q: Was he dead?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...
There are many attorneys who would never have accepted these cases, unfortunately like every profession there are members of the profession that are an embarrassment to their colleagues. The juries are not too swift either.
Here are some of the most egregious law suits in America during 2007....
The Annual Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
The store now bans adults with children.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
All new Hodas will sound horn when gear shift moved to FWD or REV.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut Forced
to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish. From now on keep "Survival Rations" in the Garage...
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
If a dog is to be kept outside, extract teeth.
3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury
ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500
after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke
her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor:
Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30
seconds earlier during an argument.. What ever happened
to people being responsible for their own actions?
From now on, only non-skid rugs on floor of resturants.
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a
night club in a nearby city because she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Hereafer, All nite clubs must have an exit door to the outside in ladies room.
1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos
please) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
Yeah, like need to put a warning on guns and knives, "Using this on a Human can be Hazardous".
