-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
-I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
-Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
-My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.