Time For A Laugh

Jokes '11A

2011-12-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

-Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

-I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

-Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

-Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

-War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

-My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

-A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station..

-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

-Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Jokes '10A

2010-08-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

Jokes'09B

2009-10-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Mental Health
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.."

*************************************** ***************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.."

***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*********************************************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

*****

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN AN IRISH FAMILY

1) You will never play professional basketball.

2) You swear very well.

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral
home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who
is a nun or uncle who's a priest..

4) You think you sing very well.

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!

6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or
killing someone...

7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a
mortal sin.

8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.

10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.

11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.

(12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.

(13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.

14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen ... and there is at least one member of your family with the full
name of Mary Catherine Eileen .

15) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.

16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start
talking.

18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are... but what you lack
in talent, you make up for in frequency.

19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last
keg party.

20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.

21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph
or Mac then you know Sully . Then you probably know McMurphy.

22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget every thing but the
grudges!

24) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'

25) All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of driver's license,
loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth
from a punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

26) Your skin's ability to tan.... not so much.

27) You met your husband/wife/significant
other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. in a bar/pub.

28) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of
whiskey.

29) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at
least 45 minutes.

30) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not
speaking to each other. Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to
each other.

*****

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are statements people actually made in court, word for word, taken down and now published by disciplined court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
____________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't re member which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy start ed around 8:30 p.m.
Q: Was he dead?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...

There are many attorneys who would never have accepted these cases, unfortunately like every profession there are members of the profession that are an embarrassment to their colleagues. The juries are not too swift either.

Here are some of the most egregious law suits in America during 2007....

The Annual Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
The store now bans adults with children.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
All new Hodas will sound horn when gear shift moved to FWD or REV.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut Forced
to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish. From now on keep "Survival Rations" in the Garage...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.

If a dog is to be kept outside, extract teeth.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury
ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500
after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke
her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor:

Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30
seconds earlier during an argument.. What ever happened
to people being responsible for their own actions?

From now on, only non-skid rugs on floor of resturants.

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a
night club in a nearby city because she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Hereafer, All nite clubs must have an exit door to the outside in ladies room.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos
please) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.

Yeah, like need to put a warning on guns and knives, "Using this on a Human can be Hazardous".

Jokes '09A

2009-03-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRYTALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched wrestling , never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

THE END

3 Old Guys

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling , he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

Fishing Trip
He began his day with an 8lb walleye on the first cast and a 7lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walley over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said........"I'm just screwing with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better per son. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being
served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones
de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your
order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his
platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are
much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull
wins.

Post Office Job

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,

Edna

**********

Golf

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

His companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.

*********

Subject: Never Lie to your mother

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just
to be sure.So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

**********

The following are entries in a Washington Post contest, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other;
that is, until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don' t take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes;
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

9. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Healthcare Insurance

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my healthcare insurance
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun.
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Deer Killer

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for
dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell
the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on
their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me
sometimes'.

The little girl scream s to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole!"

School 1967 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Killer Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can 't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

**********

Hillbilly

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

**********

IRISH CATHOLIC JOKES

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

**********

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

**********

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said , "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

**********

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

**********

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the churc h. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

**********

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."

**********

Confession

A elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"

**********

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

**********

KIDS

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while
he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old
she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering n her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city bu t his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

Religion and golf

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their
representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world".

The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus", said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

**********

PATIENT INFO

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, " Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse " After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”

**********

BUBBA

Bubba, a furniture dealer from N.E. Texas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language and so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded,and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

**********

Grandparents and Grandchildren

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young
granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how
old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked "Did you start at 1?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Fin ally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask wh a t color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Jokes '08A

2008-07-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

No Puns Intended:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you,
but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not
Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe
you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the ma nager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

.... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosi s.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

The Florida State Trooper

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then
110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for
this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

**********

The Pants

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,
"Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike She said, "Here- you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

**********

Something To Offend Nearly Everyone

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United
States.

**********

YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

**********
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

*********
A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a Year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a Year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud.

*********

Typical Texan Baby Boy

A Texan is drinking in a New York City bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy. Gonna be a football player for sure."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Texan baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The proud Texan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and smiles as he says, "Had him circumcised."

*********

Jokes '08

2007-12-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

Now visualize this as you are reading it!

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, Texas. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly em pty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour."

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

**********

Pennsylvanians - by Jeff Foxworthy

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Philadelphia for the weekend, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Pennsy lvania .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Pennsylvania.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Pennsylvania friends & others, you definitely live in Pennsylvania.

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HOW NOT LOSE YOUR GRANDKIDS IN THE MALL

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

**********

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company,"he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, How do
you know they are having sex?"

"Billy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

**********

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

**********

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

**********

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over ... so now we're going to Sea World.”

**********

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

**********

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch.

**********

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""

Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

**********

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

**********

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

**********

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, sh e wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

**********

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

**********

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

**********

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

**********

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother not iced him lying down s though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

**********

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

**********

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

**********

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch ...

But this was a long time ago ... and it was just ONE day.

The End